By:<\/strong>\u00a0PsychAlive<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n Publisher:<\/strong> PsychAlive.org<\/p>\n\n\n\n Date:<\/strong> NA<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are typically many questions running through our minds when starting a relationship. Does she really like me? Could things get serious? Is he the right choice? Where is this going? In this transitional period, we spend about as much time analyzing the relationship as we do participating in it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n With everything from our casual text messages to our deepest confessions of love up to scrutiny, it\u2019s easy to get sidetracked from the simple truth of how we feel and what we want. It\u2019s tempting to say, \u201cjust listen to your heart,\u201d but when it comes to starting a relationship, your mind plays an important role. Starting a relationship can be a joyful, stress-free experience when we learn to tune in to what\u2019s important and to tune out the second-guessing, insecure and critical thoughts that lead us astray. With that in mind, here are some tips on how to mindfully fall in love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When starting a relationship, it\u2019s easy to put up our guard in hopes we won\u2019t get hurt. It can be scary at first to think of opening up to someone or letting someone really get to know us on a more intimate level. Fears<\/a> will naturally arise, as will the pain of past hurts. We may experience these emotions in the form of anxiety or an instinct to hit the brakes. We may even resort to old defenses<\/a> that lead us to pull away from someone before they can get too close to us. The best thing we can do is be aware of these reactions. Notice when they arise, but stand firm in our determination to stay open and be vulnerable to what may happen next.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s way too easy to engage in common socially accepted forms of game-playing that have invaded the world of dating. These games tend to have rules like, \u201cDon\u2019t answer his text. Don\u2019t let him think you\u2019re desperate\u201d or \u201cDon\u2019t call her for at least three days. Make her think there are other people interested in you.\u201d Unfortunately, these games often lead to confusion, miscommunications and heightened insecurities. They cause us to deviate from the direct and honest communication that starting a relationship should involve. It\u2019s best to spend more time thinking about how to honestly express who we are and how we feel rather than worrying about how we appear. Remember, people who are calm, honest and straight-forward tend to come off as just that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s common when starting a relationship to hear all kinds of critical inner voices.<\/a> The critical inner voice represents a self-destructive thought process that fuels our insecurities and hurts our self-esteem. We tend to listen to this \u201cvoice\u201d a lot when we start dating someone. We may have thoughts toward ourselves like, \u201cI can\u2019t believe you just said that. You sound like an idiot!\u201d or \u201cShe doesn\u2019t even like you. You\u2019re wasting your time.\u201d These thoughts cause us to question ourselves and the people we\u2019re attracted to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If a person is showing interest in us, we may think to ourselves, \u201cHe is really acting into you. What\u2019s wrong with him? Is he desperate or something?\u201d By undermining us and those with the potential to get close to us, our critical inner voice tries to ensure that we remain alone and unhappy. By standing up to this critic, giving ourselves and our partner a chance, we\u2019re able to explore how we really feel and what makes us happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One tricky aspect of starting a relationship is the fact that we aren\u2019t always attracted to people for the right reasons. When we get involved with someone, there are certain questions we should ask ourselves that can help us to not repeat destructive patterns from our past<\/a>. First, we can ask, \u201cDoes this person remind me of someone from my past? Could his or her personality fit patterns or dynamics that played out in my childhood or in a previous relationship?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n These answers may be hard to uncover when we\u2019re first dating someone, but the reality is, we tend to pick people who fit comfortably with our previous experiences. These patterns can be destructive or hurtful to us, but because they\u2019re familiar, we unconsciously recreate them with the people we date. If we felt rejected as a child, we may choose someone who is allusive or inconsiderate in the present. If we were dominated as a child, we may choose someone who is possessive and controlling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s very helpful to get to know our relationship patterns and to try to break from destructive cycles we tend to repeat. By better understanding our past, we can better understand our motivations and attractions in the present. We can start to see the less favorable qualities we are drawn to in a partner and consciously choose people with healthier patterns of behavior. The change may challenge us, but ultimately, it will lead us to far more fulfilling, successful relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\nDon\u2019t be afraid to be vulnerable<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Avoid Game Playing<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Don\u2019t Listen to Your Inner Critic<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Think About What You\u2019re Really Attracted To<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Ask if He or She Has the Qualities of an Ideal Partner<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n